Pain

Pain can be felt both as an emotion as well as a physical ailment. Often the two are mutually exclusive. For going through any physical distress such as a broken ankle will also bring forth an emotional response.

For me talking about the pain I have been in or am in is a very uncomfortable thing. Pain that is purely emotionally is often linked to my innermost shortcomings. It is hard to admit that you are in pain, even to yourself. I think this comes from the fear of being seen as weak, which I know is irrational. The truth is the posts that are deeply personal (the ones I’m afraid of writing, let alone publishing) are the ones most people relate to. These posts bring me the most joy because it helps me realise that we all go through the same things and have the same insecurities.

The most pain I have experienced recently coincides with the most happiness I have experienced. Relationships are a wonderful thing, and that feeling of being with someone who will literally do anything for you is hard to describe. Good, great, amazing – there, that’s how I would describe it. However, what do you do when you see that person in pain? What do you do if you’re powerless to stop it? And most importantly, how do you react if the person has the cure but chooses not to use it?

The super logical and rational Laura of a couple of years ago would have answers for that immediately. She saw things as black and white, good or bad, happy or unhappy. This is not the case anymore. That fact alone makes me happy. I have grown up and experienced the world in new and exciting albeit scary ways. Things aren’t so cut and dry and there is a whole lot of grey between the black and white that I didn’t know existed.

So what to do about the incredible highs and crashing lows? How do I proceed with this delicate cocktail of happiness and pain?

There is no right answer. There are pros and cons to every decision I make. It is up to me to weigh them up and decide what’s best for me. I have decided that I am way too happy to let a little bit of pain stop me. There is absolutely nothing perfect in this world, therefore to go hunting for perfection is a mission that is doomed to fail. I sometimes relate this to emotional self-harm, rejecting happiness at all costs looking for the thing that could make you happier. By this definition you have decided to never be happy and that’s not a good thing.

The tone of this post may have been quite cryptic. I guess the message that I’m trying to relay is – happiness is an inside job, but things are not always black and white. You can’t always control the situations life throws at you, however you can continue to put yourself first.

No matter what..

  1. I will stick to the plans I have for myself. I see myself somewhere in 2-3 years and I’m still focused on getting there.
  2. I will always have respect for myself, I am strong in who I am and I know what I deserve. I will never change my nature. Being kind, caring and a slightly hot-tempered woman is who I am. I will always be this way and nothing or no-one will change that.
  3. I will keep working on myself. As I always say it is hard work but a job totally worth doing.

Pain is inevitable. It is something that you don’t look forward but you always see coming. You live for you and that’s all you can do. The responsibility for another person’s pain cannot lie on your shoulders.

I have decided to continue to do my best by making the most out of those happy moments. For me it is worth it as the painful moments are few and far between. I never forget that I am number one. When I have those off days where I forget my worth, I am grateful for those loved ones that will always remind me.

Stay Bliss, Laura

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Sadness

So as you can probably tell this 31 day challenge isn’t going very well..

Instead I have decided to continue on with this series with the subtraction of the time restraint. Writing about emotions is more difficult than I imagined it to be, with a lot of the darker emotions becoming more and more challenge to discuss.

However just because something is challenging doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it so this post is going to be about sadness.

Sadness is an emotion of have come across a lot in my life. I would like to say it is a very temporary emotion but it can take a life time fending off. The reason why I often say ‘happiness is an inside job’ it because sadness, anger  and grief isn’t. I initially created this blog to ward off those feelings.

Sadness takes no work, and no effort. Being sad is easy, almost like a job where no experience is necessary.. you can start right away. Why is this the case? Why does it take me daily positive affirmations, lots of work and lots of effort to be happy?

The simple answer is I don’t know. It is easy for me to fall into a pit of sadness. It is for my mind to make all sorts of nonsense that will in turn make me sad. It is for me to hold a magnifying glass over all the flaws and holes in my life. It is easy for me to see the bad in people and myself whilst completely ignoring the good. It is super easy for me to stay in bed all day, watching shitty soaps and movies and cry about why my life isn’t like that.

What comes easy isn’t always right.

As easy as it is, it also so painful. There is a good reason why you resolve to not let sadness rule your life. It’s no fun. Sadness is like leech or vampire. It sucks up everything good. What is left is just a hole, a shell of your former self. A shell no one wants to invite out, a shell that no one will hire, a shell that no one will love.

Moments of pure joy and happiness are our biggest tools to combat this feeling. Whether you are sat sharing an inappropriate joke with your best mate, having a cuddle with your partner or eating dinner with your family – you experience a few moments of bliss. A second or two where that hole is no more. That smile on your face is real and your brain momentarily forgets about your woes.

In these moments it is all worth it.

This time last year I was awfully sad. I had resigned myself to nothingness. I had no hope of a better life. I was going to be unemployed and living with my parents forever. But an experience change my mindset. I began to chase after those joyful moments. I decided that happiness was an inside job, a job I am more than willing to dedicate my life to.

Ever since then I have been running. Running towards happiness, running towards those amazing moments. I have been planning. Planning on staying this way. Planning my next moves – now that I have found happiness, how will I be holding on to it? I have been still. I have stopped and started enjoying life. I have been calm and accepted that I cannot control everything. But as for now, I am happy. The moment is here and I am going to bask in it.

Sadness is not far away, it is lurking behind every corner. That is okay. Sometimes it will come. But if I have anything to do with, it definitely will not be staying.

I know for everybody it is not as easy as warding off a feeling. The sadness runs a lot deeper than my own experience of it. I know a bit about mental illnesses such as depression but not enough to talk about. Finding peace does not come easy. It is okay to not be okay. . You and your feelings are important and valid, and your life is worth so much. There are people trained to help you find your peace. Nothing says you have to find it alone because you are not alone.

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/your-mental-health/getting-help

Stay Bliss, Laura

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Amazement

Amazing is a word I use to describe a lot. So much so that it has slightly lost is power for me. However I’m forced to really think about the word and its actual meaning. Is amazing a feeling or a thing? Is it tangible? Can you bottle the feeling and take it out on special occasions? Or is something you wait on, until the moment calls for it? What now would I categorise as amazing?

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The above is the main definition of amazing I found. It is word that was supposed to be used to describe something astonishing or surprising. For instance I went to an amazing tap performance a few weeks ago at Sadler’s Wells. I had no idea what to expect but definitely wasn’t expecting what I saw. It was astonishing because I’ve never experienced movements and sounds like that.
That was technically the proper use of the word. The reason that amazement is known as amazement. However I found a few unofficial definitions of the word that I related to slightly more.
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I have been blogging for almost 2 years now and it has been amazing! Not only have I learnt so much about myself but I’ve gained so much confidence in my ability. I know a lot of my posts are me being quite down on myself but that’s how I develop. I can get my ass in gear when that swift kick to it comes from me. It is so hard to argue with yourself!
I have also connected with lots of people this way. It is a special kind of feeling when someone tells you they have read your words and completely relate. Even in those dark times I never feel alone. And that’s because of this! This blog and my time spent working on it was the first thing to pop in my head when reflecting on the word amazement. Amazement describes this whole experience.
I’ve often talked about my friends, family and boyfriend. They also pop in my head when I hear the word. I am fortunate to have such people in my life, I know many do not. So if want to describe them as amazing I should be able to.
‘Something that is so wonderful, it’s hard to find words to match’ – that’s the best description of my girls I ever did see!

Then there was this…
amazing

This was my favourite definition because of how much I disagree.

Amazing is an adjective that means something different to everyone. You decide what your feelings are about this word and what you associate with it.
Much like me it may invoke different memories. Amazement might describe something you achieved, something you are lucky enough to have or something that truly astonishes you. Who’s to say?
It’s a word that cannot be struck out, it has so many beautiful connotations.

If you are blessed enough to have something in your life that is amazing, you can describe it how you please.

Stay Bliss, Laura IMG_1369

Trust

Trust is moral currency.

You word and your honor are two things – the human traits that decide your value.

Trust is one of those things that no matter how many tangible, worldly things you have to offer, it can make and break your social standing.

We always remember the people who blabbed your secrets to the entire school or who told that one person the thing you told them not to. I’m not proud to admit that I have occasionally been that person, still racked with the ‘why didn’t I keep my big mouth shut’ guilt. We have been there, right?

As you grow up having those people in your life you can tell anything to becomes more important. You never pray for the worst to happen but you do have that person who you know you can tell it all to. This becomes a necessary criteria when making friends.

Do they like the same music I do? Do they love the same food I do? Can they be trusted? Not necessarily in that order.

Trust begins to mean different things as time goes on. It becomes less about can I trust you with my secret, and more about can I trust you with my feelings?

When a friend comes to you with a private thought the first step is making sure you don’t tell. However it as equally important to make them feel comfortable and not judged. The worst feeling ever is when there is a massive problem in your world which someone just shrugs of. Hearing ‘get over it’ or ‘I have bigger problems than you’ is to me a breach of trust.

It is true hearing someone complain about how much they hate their job for the millionth time (me) or how their hair is doing that weird thing again (also me) or about their ex they are going to get back together with in approximately 2 minutes can be a drag. However many problems that you have may also seem like a drag to others. What you needed at the time was a trusting ear and a safe place. Trust means being that safe place.

Trusting someone with your heart is another big one. It takes a lot to bring your guard down and be vulnerable for another person. Intimacy is a beautiful thing to share with someone and in the right hands in can be an amazing experience. However we all have heard the horror stories of people who decide to betray that trust – normally for revenge. To me this is the biggest crime that can be committed against trust. That also goes for the highly unwanted but familiar feeling of heartbreak. Losing that intense line of trust can be heart wrenching.

Trust is a complex subject. I am fortunate to have a support system made up of friends and family who I can completely trust and rely on. Trust was a difficult subject for me to write about simply because it is something I never worry about. As life goes on your circle of friends gets smaller and tighter. I am 25 and am surrounded by people who I wholly trust, and who I hope can trust me.

Stay Bliss

 

Distraction

Today I will talk about a topic I am way to familiar with and the reason I am 3 days behind on this challenge – distraction.

It takes a lot of effort for me to sit down and complete a task, all on my own. Even when I sit down to write which is something I love doing, I will defiantly get distracted and start doing something else before I am done a fair few times. For example just now rather than writing I decided that now was the perfect time to check the Ann Summer’s website…

I know I am the type of person to very easily get distracted, so I do lots of things in effort to combat that. I try to work quickly and set myself timed goals. I constantly remind myself of how important the task in front of me is to me. This blog for example, is entirely personal and so important to me. Me getting distracted is doing myself no favours. Me leaving that post half done means no new content.

Sometimes I get distracted into to not taking a risk. I go to try something new like applying for a new job but become distracted by the comfortable option. Why job hunt all day when I can binge watch project runway?

However when you get distracted from the goals you set yourself the only person your cheating is you. You haven’t gotten away with something, you haven’t let anyone down other than yourself. It is pretty harsh to be so harsh on yourself, but that is how you learn and get better.

You can also think of the super positive feeling of pride.

I sat down (first thing in the morning) and wrote my next blog post. I wasn’t in a crazy rush, I was able to take my time and figure out how I actually feel. I wrote a post that I am proud of and now I have the rest of the day left to do other things. I can do absolutely nothing if I wanted because I have completed the task of the day.

Nothing beats the feeling of being in control of your life and knowing that you are doing everything in your power to live better. When you know you are saving for your future, your job hunting so you can be happy, you writing daily therefore fulfilling your passion. Everything about your actions are in order for you to have the best.

Distractions are a normal and necessary part of life. They are life’s way of letting you know what is really important. How we deal with them is another thing. Tough love isn’t the worst thing, especially when you know how amazing it feels to follow through.

Distractions can also be good. A much-needed relief from a stressful situation. I’ve often talked about my best girlfriends – the sisterhood. Over the years we have perfected the beautiful art of distraction. Realising when of one of us is going into total meltdown – normal caused by over thinking or boys.

Sometimes you have to become that much-needed distraction for each other. Whether it’d be a cliché distraction like a girls night or just going to the cinema, we come up with creative ways to be there for each other. You know what people are doing when they are trying to distract you but you appreciate the effort nonetheless.

Relationships are also distractions at times which can be both good and bad. The toughest moments of our lives can be made slightly better when you are in a relationship. The feeling of having one person who is completely there for you and always thinking about you is amazing. There’s one person you can rely on to cheer you up and look after you.

I guess this can be a bad distraction is if you don’t think about much else. I tend to not get much work done when I’m at my boyfriend’s house. Not because he doesn’t let me or support me mainly because I really don’t want to. I’d much rather be watching a movie or chatting to him than writing. This is something I only realise when I get home and write!

In all honesty, I don’t really mind because this isn’t the worst problem to have. And it doesn’t explain me getting absolutely nothing done when he IS NOT around. I just need to be more disciplined and get my life admin done no matter what.

Delving into the different kind of distractions has made this a really interesting morning. More than anything I realise how much I distract myself. I can achieve a lot when I sit down and finish something.

 

Stay Bliss, Laura

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anger

I have had 2 very amazing days of doing absolutely nothing. To me this is the best way to spend my downtime as work is constant and intense. It has been difficult to write about the darker emotions because I am just not in the place right now. It’s easy to spill onto the page when you are going through something intense.

So anger?

I mostly feel anger at myself when I don’t live up to my potential. When I know what I should do but choose not do, I anger myself. The job hunt isn’t going to well because I have been repeating past mistakes. I wrote a post when I first started blogging about feeling disappointment at putting all my eggs in one job basket. Ideally I should be applying for many jobs a day. Instead I find one job that I love. I plan out my outfits and the easiest commute. I imagine what my desk will look and immediately hit amazon in search of the perfect mug. Like a Cath Kidston mug or one with funny friends quotes.

friends_tv_quotes_mugThat job is in my sight and not getting it is not an option. As you can probably imagine this leads to a lot of disappointment because life doesn’t always workout this way. So I guess this is what angers me. The fact that I feel myself doing the same things I was doing all those posts ago.

I have been waiting for something to click in my brain. Today is the day when I sort my life out!

It fluctuates . Sometimes I feel the click and other days I don’t.

The lesson I have learnt throughout all this is there is no time for waiting. When you spend your time waiting for a change in mind-set or a magic click. Waiting for something to manifest which will in turn get you to change is problematic. Mainly because change starts with you.

Anger is a such an intense emotion. A lot of things on this world. Racism, famine, murder & abuse and so much else. I chose to focus on the anger I can directly control. The anger at myself.

I need to fix up and fix up quick. I am aware of that and I will change that. Writing post like these helps me give myself that much-needed kick.

I know what my problem, it’s up to me to go fix them.

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Stay Bliss, Laura

Admiration

Honestly I’m finding this challenge so difficult.

31 days of emotions sounded like a good idea at first but I have been left feeling completely uninspired. I don’t know if that is about the topic or about not having enough time to fully sit down and write. (This is on my half hour lunch break)

I mostly think I am completely knackered. Work is really hard and not very enjoyable at the moment as I have so much to do! It is weird how one little crack in your life seems to tear everything apart. The tiniest flaw is what we seem to focus on. As time goes on I’ll see if this topic is really hitting the spot.

My parents are the king and queen of carrying on. They have soldiered through some really rough times and have kept smiling and praying throughout. Sometimes I feel bad about given in so easy. I don’t tend to quit, but when I am uninterested you can definitely tell. The battle for me is powering through when I feel unmotivated. I hit my wall and decide that I can’t get over  it.

I admire my parents for teaching me this lesson. The lesson of pushing through and seeing what’s on the other side. Sometimes we convince ourself that we are stuck with what’s on the other side. The truth is this isn’t the case. In the end you’ll be proud of yourself for pushing through. If it isn’t for you, that’s just something you can check of your list. You now have an even more precise plan of how you are going to keep moving. They have taught me this lesson time and time again with all the changes they make to their lives.

My dad medaddecided to open a college once. He did that for many years until he realised his true passion wasn’t to be a principal. It was to be a lecturer. To educate young minds and to slowly make the whole world IT literate!

Not to mention the change he made to his entire life the day he decided to move to England. Just him and his best mate in a small bed sit. You would never have thought that the guy you see today, was the former barely English-speaking, luxury hotel cleaner. That’s a man who found out what his passion was over a long time of powering through.

This wasn’t going to be the message of the post but now I’m feeling all nostalgic. The person I most associate with the word admiration is my dad. Just by the small pieces of his life I was able to tell you on this post – you can see why.

Stay Bliss, Laura