I have had 2 very amazing days of doing absolutely nothing. To me this is the best way to spend my downtime as work is constant and intense. It has been difficult to write about the darker emotions because I am just not in the place right now. It’s easy to spill onto the page when you are going through something intense.
I mostly feel anger at myself when I don’t live up to my potential. When I know what I should do but choose not do, I anger myself. The job hunt isn’t going to well because I have been repeating past mistakes. I wrote a post when I first started blogging about feeling disappointment at putting all my eggs in one job basket. Ideally I should be applying for many jobs a day. Instead I find one job that I love. I plan out my outfits and the easiest commute. I imagine what my desk will look and immediately hit amazon in search of the perfect mug. Like a Cath Kidston mug or one with funny friends quotes.
That job is in my sight and not getting it is not an option. As you can probably imagine this leads to a lot of disappointment because life doesn’t always workout this way. So I guess this is what angers me. The fact that I feel myself doing the same things I was doing all those posts ago.
I have been waiting for something to click in my brain. Today is the day when I sort my life out!
It fluctuates . Sometimes I feel the click and other days I don’t.
The lesson I have learnt throughout all this is there is no time for waiting. When you spend your time waiting for a change in mind-set or a magic click. Waiting for something to manifest which will in turn get you to change is problematic. Mainly because change starts with you.
Anger is a such an intense emotion. A lot of things on this world. Racism, famine, murder & abuse and so much else. I chose to focus on the anger I can directly control. The anger at myself.
I need to fix up and fix up quick. I am aware of that and I will change that. Writing post like these helps me give myself that much-needed kick.
I know what my problem, it’s up to me to go fix them.
Stay Bliss, Laura