My search for clarity has taken me to lots of confusing places. This break-up for one thing is the most confusing of them all. I am confused because for the first time ever, I feel emotionless. I understand that there is a lot going on in my mind and I know that I am feeling so much but at the same time I can’t pinpoint any of it. It seems as if I am simultaneously feeling everything and nothing. How can I assess what I do not understand? How do I move forward if I don’t know where I am?
I am going to try and break down what I’m feeling…
I know this is the right thing, and our relationship was going this way for a long time. Having a great support system is important, however some journeys need to be taken alone. You are the only one who can get yourself from point A to B. It’s on you. This is the biggest thing I have taken from my relationship and breakup. Life is not a fairy-tale, it’s not sunshine and rainbows 24/7. It is really hard sometimes; I still can’t understand why the very best people seem to be dealt the worst cards. But I’ve learnt that you can save yourself if you really want to. I’ve searched far and wide for my hero. The person who was going to save me, support me, motivate me and push me. Then I realised that it doesn’t matter, because even I find someone who is willing to do all of this for me, it will always be down to me in the end. I determine how hard I work, how much I save, the risks I take. I determine my own future, and I decide where I am going.
And most importantly, it’s not up to me to be that person for someone. Years of trying to be the motivation for another person has left me disappointed. Disappointed that I couldn’t be the hero, the salvation. But now I understand that even if I was to see all the change and the motivation that I was vying for, it would have been nothing to do with me.
You are your own hero.
I feel empty, like there is big hole in my life. We were so together that now it feels like something is missing. I got used to a certain way of living and now I find myself having to readjust. I am learning to navigate through life solo again and it is a strange feeling. It is funny how quickly we form new habits and how hard it is to break them. The feeling of emptiness comes more from the fact that I think I found my person and can’t see anybody else wanting me or anybody fitting with me as well. Are genuinely kind people relatively easy to find? Because in the whole of my search, I’ve only found one – I am only 26 though…
I feel excited by the prospect of not knowing. I have no idea where my life is going to take me and as scary as that it, it’s also exciting. There is nothing holding me back other than myself. I can focus entirely on myself and keep striding to get myself to a position where I am comfortable and confident. I can continue saving up a for a flat of my own, I can take my dream trip (to Senegal, it’s almost booked!), I can start learning to drive, I can apply for jobs abroad, I can make new friends – the possibilities are endless. These are a only a few of the things I want to accomplish, being on my own means I can go for anything.
I have experienced a loving relationship and for that I am grateful. No matter the issues we had, I always felt loved, valued and respected which is important. It has set the bar high for future relationships because I know now more than ever that I am a queen and deserved to be treated like one. I am not going through life relationship blind anymore; I know what I expect from a partner because I know what I am bringing to the table. I have learnt that depending on the relationship, I have potential to be an amazing girlfriend. I have discovered sides of myself that are completely new to me. I am a sociable girl who likes a party every now and then, but I am way more of a home-body than I thought. My idea of a date night is staying in with a home cooked meal, a bottle of white wine and a good film or binge worthy series. I have found that I am very much a nurturer who will always go out of my way in my relationship. I have also found that if left to my own devices that I can be quite lazy and will always opt for the easiest option!
So how do you get over a breakup?
Give yourself time – dramatic life changes can often leave us feeling confused and unsure of ourselves. You don’t need to immediately have everything figured out, there is no rush. Carrying on living your life the best way you can and eventually the answers will come to you. Situations such as this have a habit of unpacking themselves when you leave them alone for a little while.
Be grateful for what you had – Although it didn’t work out, I got the opportunity to really get to know the most wonderful human being. (Obviously this depends on what you had. If you come out of a bad relationship where you weren’t being treated right, be grateful that you made it out of it)
Have a support system – I often talk about the sisterhood, a group of amazing women that I am lucky enough to call friends. I know that I can call on any of them at any time if I need talk.
Limit contact – this is the one I’ve been struggling with because I am so used talking to the same person almost every day. Depending on the circumstances sometimes a clean break is necessary, however if the breakup was amicable, I don’t think you need to completely cut each other off. It still okay to chat from time to time but be honest with yourself. If it hurts too much to stay in contact or you find yourself falling back into a relationship pattern – a clean break may be what you need.
Be single! – Do things that you couldn’t or just didn’t do with your ex. Go place they wouldn’t, eat things they hated. It solidifies the fact that you’re on your own living life strictly by your own terms. Reconnect with friends, I found there were a few friendships that I wasn’t paying enough attention to. Or just areas of my life that I neglected slightly – now is the time to make it right.
Date again – only when you’re ready, there is absolutely no rush! Give yourself time to heal and get to know yourself again before you delve into the dating world. Remember that dating doesn’t always have to be serious, sometimes it can be just about having fun and meeting new people.
Breakups are one of the toughest emotional experiences to go through. There is no right way to deal with it, and there is no telling how long the heartbreak will last. Like everything else in life, it will pass. I repeat what I said on day one of this Stay Bliss journey…
“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise again.”