Anger

I have had 2 very amazing days of doing absolutely nothing. To me this is the best way to spend my downtime as work is constant and intense. It has been difficult to write about the darker emotions because I am just not in the place right now. It’s easy to spill onto the page when you are going through something intense.

So anger?

I mostly feel anger at myself when I don’t live up to my potential. When I know what I should do but choose not do, I anger myself. The job hunt isn’t going to well because I have been repeating past mistakes. I wrote a post when I first started blogging about feeling disappointment at putting all my eggs in one job basket. Ideally I should be applying for many jobs a day. Instead I find one job that I love. I plan out my outfits and the easiest commute. I imagine what my desk will look and immediately hit amazon in search of the perfect mug. Like a Cath Kidston mug or one with funny friends quotes.

friends_tv_quotes_mugThat job is in my sight and not getting it is not an option. As you can probably imagine this leads to a lot of disappointment because life doesn’t always workout this way. So I guess this is what angers me. The fact that I feel myself doing the same things I was doing all those posts ago.

I have been waiting for something to click in my brain. Today is the day when I sort my life out!

It fluctuates . Sometimes I feel the click and other days I don’t.

The lesson I have learnt throughout all this is there is no time for waiting. When you spend your time waiting for a change in mind-set or a magic click. Waiting for something to manifest which will in turn get you to change is problematic. Mainly because change starts with you.

Anger is a such an intense emotion. A lot of things on this world. Racism, famine, murder & abuse and so much else. I chose to focus on the anger I can directly control. The anger at myself.

I need to fix up and fix up quick. I am aware of that and I will change that. Writing post like these helps me give myself that much-needed kick.

I know what my problem, it’s up to me to go fix them.

1

Stay Bliss, Laura

Advertisements

Admiration

Honestly I’m finding this challenge so difficult.

31 days of emotions sounded like a good idea at first but I have been left feeling completely uninspired. I don’t know if that is about the topic or about not having enough time to fully sit down and write. (This is on my half hour lunch break)

I mostly think I am completely knackered. Work is really hard and not very enjoyable at the moment as I have so much to do! It is weird how one little crack in your life seems to tear everything apart. The tiniest flaw is what we seem to focus on. As time goes on I’ll see if this topic is really hitting the spot.

My parents are the king and queen of carrying on. They have soldiered through some really rough times and have kept smiling and praying throughout. Sometimes I feel bad about given in so easy. I don’t tend to quit, but when I am uninterested you can definitely tell. The battle for me is powering through when I feel unmotivated. I hit my wall and decide that I can’t get over  it.

I admire my parents for teaching me this lesson. The lesson of pushing through and seeing what’s on the other side. Sometimes we convince ourself that we are stuck with what’s on the other side. The truth is this isn’t the case. In the end you’ll be proud of yourself for pushing through. If it isn’t for you, that’s just something you can check of your list. You now have an even more precise plan of how you are going to keep moving. They have taught me this lesson time and time again with all the changes they make to their lives.

My dad medaddecided to open a college once. He did that for many years until he realised his true passion wasn’t to be a principal. It was to be a lecturer. To educate young minds and to slowly make the whole world IT literate!

Not to mention the change he made to his entire life the day he decided to move to England. Just him and his best mate in a small bed sit. You would never have thought that the guy you see today, was the former barely English-speaking, luxury hotel cleaner. That’s a man who found out what his passion was over a long time of powering through.

This wasn’t going to be the message of the post but now I’m feeling all nostalgic. The person I most associate with the word admiration is my dad. Just by the small pieces of his life I was able to tell you on this post – you can see why.

Stay Bliss, Laura

Serenity

Serenity – The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled. – Oxford Dictionary

Serenity and happiness go hand in hand.

I was recently thinking about what it means to actually be happy. That feeling of finally having the things you’ve wanted. That feeling can be somewhat unfamiliar and scary. It’s that realisation that you have nothing substantial to complain about. For the first time in a very long time things are going well. Because of this you should maybe step out of your bubble, become selfless and help someone who actually needs it. That thought alone is terrifying!

Serenity is a how I would describe the space I am in right now. Of course there are things that I still want, and things I hope to one day change. For the most part though I am happy. Serene even.

I have a tiny corner of London I can officially call my own. From the moment started blogging this is thing I have been talking about the most. Wanting my own space, some independence. Well now I have it!
The thing I am enjoying the most is being completely self-sufficient. Washing my own clothes, cooking my own food and keeping my space tidy. 3 things I notoriously despised doing until recently. I think it’s knowing if I don’t do these things the won’t get done. I am in complete control of my own quality of life. Scary but awesome.

I am pretty happy in my relationship to!

The one thing I want to change is my job. I have learnt so much this year as an apprentice. I’ve gone from being a complete baby, not knowing much about what it meant to work 9-5. Now I’ve gotten to a place where I’m ready for the next challenge. I guess that’s next in my journey for serenity.

I feel like finding serenity is trying to find total peace. It’s a super difficult task that isn’t always entirely possible. What is possible though is finding peace in life’s chaos. I think my life is pretty calm for the moment, it isn’t guaranteed to stay that way. There are many moments, relationships and new challenges to focus on.

Searching for serenity is like searching for happiness. Sometimes it comes easy and sometimes it’s hard work. Despite all the hard times, those moments of serenity makes it make sense.

Stay Bliss, Laura

 

31 Days of Emotions – Anticipation

This month I will be participating in the 31 day blogging challenge. I previously did this challenge in march and found it thoroughly enjoyable but at the same time rough. I also didn’t quite manage to post every single day so I’m going to give another shot. I have been writing as much as I used to, so I’m hoping this month will kick-start my creative juices.

In march I found a generic daily blogging questions image and answered each question.

31

This month I have been advised to choose a topic to write about. I wanted to choose something that kept in tone with my narrative, which is all about positivity and how overcome adverse times. The way I’m going to do this is by making this the 31 Days of Emotions. Each day I will choose an emotion which I will discuss. It seems so organised and planned out but I’m still so confused as to how this will all pan out!


Anticipation

So I feel it is only right to dedicate this post to the feeling of anticipation.

I’m starting off on a bit of a downer, with only half an hour left of the day and only posting now. However I am very excited about starting this creative process once again.

So what am I anticipating to gain during this process?

The last time I participated in a blogging challenge I found that I was putting limits on myself. I was convincing myself that I couldn’t write about certain things but was then surprised by the outcome.

I also figured out somethings about myself that I hadn’t before. I delved into what it was life was like for teenage Laura. I have always been quite hard on myself, I look back on few secondary school moments and cringe hard. It was nice to look back on my youth in a positive way. Seeing all the mess ups as learning tools instead of cringe moments.

So during these 31 days of emotions I anticipate learning more about myself. I hope to continue to be honest with myself and with my readers and I hope by the end of this journey I found it easier to sit down and write.

Only 10 minutes left eek!!

Until tomorrow

Stay Bliss, Laura

Clear skies ahead

I have known since July that I wanted to write a post dedicated to Happiness.

But how to say what I want to say? What are my thoughts on happiness? Am I even happy?

Recently my life has been full of new and exciting changes. If you have read my other post you would know that there is 3 things that I wanted. 3 things that I was convinced would bring me to happiness. A new home, a love life and a shiny new job. This perfect trio would bring me all the joy in the world. These three things would make this adulting thing actually okay and maybe even slightly enjoyable.

So why aren’t I jumping and screaming about this so-called new-found happiness? Why am I not over the moon? Why doesn’t my mood reflect all these amazing changes?img_6606

There are times where it has. I have taken a few moments throughout these past months to look at what I have achieved and actually be proud of myself. I think to myself ‘this is the feeling I want to write about.’ However this feeling doesn’t stay. A couple of days later I feel myself being climbing down and wondering what happened.

Maybe happiness doesn’t stay because we push it away. Not letting yourself just be happy and in the moment is way of self-sabotage. We are so used to having problems that we almost can’t handle not having any.

You can have everything in the world and still not be happy. Recently I have been pretty down in the dumps, which is unsurprising  for this time of month. I have been in a ‘stop the world, I want to get off’ kind of mood.

When good things happen just ACCEPT that a good thing has happened.

Life can be so tough sometimes, and at one point or another you will go through a rough patch. When going through a tough time I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. A time that won’t be so hard. The storm finally being over and the clear skies that are now finally visible.

No more sitting idly by. And no more creating a storm where there is none.

Happiness is an inside job, something that won’t always click into place on its own. When it doesn’t you have to work at it. I have the power to do so I will create my own clear skies. See through that Laura-made tunnel.

There have been so many times when I have felt genuinely happy but fought that weird, unfamiliar, warm  feeling off.

I CAN’T BE HAPPY. THERE MUST BE SOME KIND OF PROBLEM I CAN FOCUS ON.

The truth there is that things aren’t perfect. There’s a lot of challenges I need to overcome and things I have to work through. However at the moment life is good. I worked long and hard, and almost gave up several times but I got what I’ve always wanted.

Independence.

Independence can be quite lonely sometimes but this shouldn’t be confused with being unhappy. wineI am on my own now because I choose to be. I am finally self-sufficient and am enjoying taking care of myself. When I have a bad day, going back to my empty room can make me feel worse. My mind plays tricks on me and convinces me that I am unhappy because I am alone.

Focusing on the important things is what I have taken away from the experience. Figuring out what is real and what is not. When I feel lonely there are people I can call and places I can go. Rather than sit and dwell on all the things I have to be sad about, I can stand and think about all the things that I have achieved. I can work on a new plan for things I am yet to achieve.

The biggest things I have taken from this confusing sad/happy period of time is that sometimes it is up to me actively change the way I feel.

Create your own clear skies.

Stay Bliss, Laura

laugh
Photo Credit – Alisha Dandy http://instagram.com/alishadandy

I shall be doing the October challenge where I will be posting everyday for a month! I haven’t posted in a while so I am a bit rusty which makes this even more of a fun challenge 🙂 Keep your eyes peeled!

 

Trust the Journey

I am afraid that I will waste my life due to the bad decisions I made when I was younger. I fear that I will never know true passion for a job like others do. I am not perfect and cannot give everything 100% at all times. I don’t want to spend my time trying to be an adult and trying super hard to be good at what I do to have the small mistakes stack up against me. I fear that I am not always thinking important things through. Am I running with what my heart is telling me rather than listening to the logic and reason of my mind. Maybe my biggest dreams and goals won’t come true because I am not taking the correct risks. What are the right risks? Is there even such a thing as bad risks? I am afraid that I will never know what it is like to have someone be in love with me. Will always be ‘one of the gs’ Laura? Is that image I have in my head of me super happy and succesful just a fantasy? Is the reality a lot dimmer than that.

Trust the journey.

I obsess about everything. I over think everything.  Today more than any other day I have been really in my head. Stressing about the big changes I have decided to make and trying to figure out if these risks are going be worth. You learn a lot from failure but nobody WANTS to fail. I want the decision to move out to be a succesful one. I want the decision to go for a new job which is way above my level to be a succesful one.

I have been sat at my desk all day with a thousands thoughts flying through my head, almost to the point of tears. What if I don’t get the job? What do I do then? Is moving out a good idea right now? Also I have been beating myself up because have I a really gone out of my way to prove why this job should be mine?

Then I looked up. ttj2

I immediately calmed down and remembered why this is my mantra. Opportunities come everyday. A no does not always mean never. If I have made mistakes and failed to prove why I am the best then that’s a lesson for me. Meanwhile ‘no’ does not equal the end. Life does not wrap itself up once you don’t get something you want.

It carries on with it’s journey and shows you why things have to happen the way they happened. All you can do is try your absolute hardest and trust. Trust that the job you want will happen for you when you put the work. Trust that one day you will find love the same way everybody else has. Trust that the risks you take will pay off in a big way or teach you a valuable lesson.

Honestly I don’t know if taking the big step to move out of my parents house is the right thing to do right now. It might all blow up in my face and within a couple months I am back in my old room with a brusied ego, licking my wounds. Maybe it will work and this is it for me. A start of a new journey into adulthood. Either way I am doing because I believe I will regret more the things that I don’t even try.

I am doing it because I am trusting the journey.

I have tried to write this post a dozen times over the last few months but failed to properly communicate the meaning of this saying to me. Writing a list of the things I fear the most is the only way tpo describe it. These are the things I have to work as hard as I can at and then leave it to the universe.

I trust my heart and am guided by my reason. Whatever will be will be.

Stay Bliss,

Laura

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B L A C K

So I have been thinking recently about internalised racism. About how we are sometimes the most racist to ourselves and others of our race. Black people have the tendency to this (this black person in particular).  We both are and are not to blame for this as throughout history we have been oppressed and fed a number of lies which has shaped our position in society.

‘You are not intelligent.’ ‘Your hair is ugly and unprofessional’ ‘Your skin is to dark therefore you cannot be beautiful.’ ‘Your nose is to big, not dainty and elegant.’

Everything that has happened to us we have dealt with, fought and survived. Everything we are supposed to hate about ourselves is now deemed beautiful on anyone without dark skin. We are now in the midst of trends such as cornrows, big lips, big bottoms and being as bronzed and tanned as possible. All trends that most black people are genetically born with or adopted into our culture a long time ago. All things that we were ridiculed and put down for having. All things that were deemed ‘inappropriate’ and could mean you never were employed. All things that have been stolen from us, and sold back to us without any credit and a hefty price tag.

marc jacobs

I have been thinking a lot about internalised racism. I am in a good place and have learnt to love myself. I am able to recognise this because at one point this wasn’t the case. I subconsciously hated my skin. I hated the way my hair looked when it was wet, I hated the fact that I wasn’t as pretty as the other girls. Why couldn’t I be like the beautiful girl who was on the cover of cosmopolitan or vogue? Why didn’t the boys like me as much as they like the other girls?

My prejudice against my own race led to me trying my best to separate myself. I was proud of the fact you that I wasn’t a ‘typical black girl’. I like indie, heavy metal, festivals and crazy drunken parties so I’m not like them I’m different. I used words like ghetto and ratchet to describe people who looked just like me. I didn’t like what my skin represented so I tried to be different.

This is something I have only realised I used to do now that I am doing some self-reflection. The more I grow to love myself, I start to figure out the reasons why I was so down on my appearance. Now I laugh at the term ‘typical black girl’ and can’t believe I ever used it. I am also deeply upset I put black women into this box. There is absolutely nothing typical about us and is an extremely offensive thing to say. Of course there will be similarities that any two people of the same culture will have. However we come in different heights, sizes and body shapes. Some of us are extremely outspoken and some of us are really shy. Those of us of African or Caribbean descent will have the similar upbringings therefore similar stories. We deal with our traditional parents and the deep schism between the old school and the new school. There are many things we do that they can not and do not want to understand. A lot of subjects warrant the ‘in my day’ speech which I think is something we can all relate to.

As said in the beginning we are and are not to blame for our own racism. The negative feelings I had towards my skin come from a lifetime of being told that black is not beautiful. The image of beauty that has been given to me from the moment I understood what the word beautiful meant has never looked like me. If I think about my favourite toys, movies, celebrities, TV shows – they were never beautiful dark-skinned people. As little girls we played with barbies and toy babies, we watched Nickelodeon and The Disney channel and our favourite films were films like Toy Story and The Incredibles.

This was society’s way of teaching us what morals we should have and who we should inspire to become. Our favourite people did not look like us and were never from the same place. Thus began the image I started forming of myself and the dislike of the girl of the girl staring back at me in the mirror.

I am happy about how far I have come. I am happy about how far WE have come.

There has been a massive revival in the effort to get POC* to love their skin. Black businesses are growing and many are choosing to ditch the chemically straightened hair and weaves/wigs and embrace their naturally kinky locs. Black media has exploded and black twitter are forver there to bring focus to the issues of interest to the black community.
I love how comfortable I am in my skin and the more I learnt about the struggles of many people before me went through to get the basic freedom that I have, the more my melanin means to me. I have the freedom of expression and legislation behind me that in theory keeps my safe from attack or being discriminated against.

I am sad because we have a long way to go. The thought of young girls and boys going through the same battles I did is an upsetting reality. The reality is, if a POC types beauty into google they will see images they cannot relate to.

beauty

The reality is the world is still a pretty unfair place for us, in terms of living conditions, employment, politics and law enforcement. The reality is that as a people the black race is still very divided at how we can demand better for ourselves. The reality it takes learning about your history, and teaching yourself the black is in fact beautiful in order to live a life where you are happy with your skin.

As always I have taken the time to figure out what my feelings actually are about this. I have never been particularly outspoken, and have a hard time coming to you with a set of intellectual facts and figures. Talking to my family – especially the older generation has helped me love myself and my history. Hearing about the oppression people in my own family faced has forced me to wake up. It is easy to wish for another life, wish to look a different way, wish things were not so hard. However my ancestors dreamed of freedom. They dreamed of liberation from their slave masters. They dreamed of an education. They dreamed of having the right to vote so they could start to effect change to their society. They dreamed that one day their grand-children, and great-grandchildren (such as myself) will not have to fight the same battles they have had to.

I have unintentionally ripped of MLK’s ‘I have a dream’ speech but that’s how far you need to go to be grateful for what you do have and protest for the change you have yet to see.

Of course it is important to identify and challenge racism whenever you see it. But first you must deal with the racism you harbor internally and ask yourself why you feel this way. When you can except your shortcomings and change your mentality and behaviour you then can start to deal with the external world.

Stay Bliss,

Laura

*POC – Person of Colour